If’s and Off’s

QL: If’s and Off’s

"So I'm hung over as hell, and one of them dumps a hot vat of oil into a 5-gallon pickle bucket." -Tad Devlin

"When the boys are little they march the girls around them in a circle naked except for high heels, and they get to pick out which ones they want." -Jessica Rifil

"If an OSHA guy ever walked into a Mexican strip club all hell would break loose." -Jim Shearer

"If I was a Star Wars geek I'd have kicked your ass for saying that." -Jeff Curry

"Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like a bottle of hooch." -Kylie Haskins

"There's this hole, and you're supposed to stick your penis through each page, and they've got these-" -Clay Kreicker
"Yea, I get the idea of it." -Terry Blue

"Drink up, gentlemen, because booze doesn't draw on trees." -Clay Kreicker

"I think it's because I got bearded a lot when I was a little kid and it scarred me." -JoAnna

"If you were me you'd be awesome." -random girl

"Anybody talks trash to us and I'll take off your mustache and cut off their heads." -Abram Galvin

"I'll rip off your face and feed it to the poor." -Mike Nucci
Said while in an actual fight at a bar.

"I'm thinking that's not a good dress to be wearing when you're doing that, and about that time she jumped up and her boobs popped out." -Jim Shearer

"Smells like sex in here." -me
"Don't look at me. Well, if it is me it's not fresh." -John Landis

"They put a chopstick in my meat." -random Asian dude perhaps encountering his first corn dog

"I'm thinking they have uniforms and they strip down and hit the sauna with their old man balls touching the tiles, and they talk about, you know, cigars." -Spence Warren

"What's the point of being paranoid if it never comes true?" -Marcus Quandt

"She told me he has a tendency to be intense, which probably means 'an asshole;' a rude, insensitive, egotistical douche bag asshole of an asshole. That's what 'intense' usually means in that context to me." - Kevin Marquardt

"I went to Hudson's BBQ in Columbia last night to hear Huckabee speak. I had no intention of voting for him before I went, but since he didn't let me drive his RV and he wouldn't autograph my belt buckle - to his defense, I was pelvic thrusting wildly - I am officially casting a vote for another candidate." -Mitch Miller

"So she'll shave her alpacas, but she refuses to shave her armpits?" -Eric Shapiro

"That's why we don't procreate, they'd be apes." -Liz Owens

"Apparently I was so drunk that I was chasing pterodactyls in the parking lot." -TJ Prayner