You’re Not Fully Clean Until You’re Guinea Pig-Fully Clean.

"Don't give yourself a hernia carrying that cheese home." -Jim Shearer

"He's a crossdresser don't you know? That's why I'm into him." -Melissa Rone

"Do their margaritas taste like baby aspirin? They must, because I like the taste of baby aspirin, and I like those margaritas." -Random

"You know that while he's sitting there watching Elmo he's thinking, 'as soon as this motherfucker turns his head I'm getting in the cabinet and spreading his shit all over the place." -Kwame Amoaku

"Careful. The world could end tomorrow and you'll find yourself stuck with a wallet full of cash and no fish to swim with." -random bum
"What?" -me
"Spare me some change?" -same random bum

"Plastic forks will never conquer croutons." -Marcus Quandt

"My lunch just started leaking on my pants." -Alison Becker

"Did that really happen? Did you really check your pockets for your beer?" -Marcus Quandt

"I want to punch this guy so hard that he'll think he can time travel." -Dan Riordan

"I want to use that woman like a car: Ride her hard and put her to bed in the garage." -random boss of mine

"If hats are frat boy sun dials, then popped collars are gaydar stealth deflectors." -Brian Cole

"I was hungry, but then I farted and smelled it and I was suddenly full." -Jim Shearer
*Winner of this list's Out of Context Award

"I'm not very athletic. If you threw a Nerf ball at my head I'd probably duck in horror." -Jessica Voogd

"C'mon, Tim. Let's have some fun." -Brian Fairly
"You want to have some fun? I've got an idea. Let's go outside, pick up some loose rocks, and throw them at people with children. Now that's my idea of a good time." -Tim Harris

"When I blow my nose I can taste the falafel." -Rachel Davis

"Why would he want to rub guinea pigs all over his body?" -Sue Tomko
"I don't know. The guy's from Ecuador." -Jules Tomko

"If you're gonna piss in someone's face, she better be at least 16." -Ben Schroeder

"Last night Chip was trying to catch a raccoon with a fleece. You'll like this guy." -Alison Silliman

"So we were covered in potato salad because we had gotten so drunk and we were throwing it at each other. And it was raining. We drove all the way back to Elwood naked." -Randy Kirkendall
*It's gotta end somewhere, right? See y'all next time, kids.