See? Bert and Ernie really are my homeboys.

"A shady creole man came in yesterday offering elephant rides." -Dan Riordan

"Dude, we need to go to San Diego." -random waiter
"Oh, no you guys don't. You'd end up drinking your own urine." -Linda Kirkendall

"If my wife/fiance/girlfriend existed I'd probably leave her at home for this." -Dave Grossnickle

"Is that what I think it is?" -Joe Conley
"Yep." -me
"And you're throwing it in the dumpster?" -Joe Conley
"Yep." -me
"What a waste. That octopus should end up on a windshield of some horrible driver's car." -Joe Conley

"I'd love to hug the dog, but I'm cutting cheese." -Paula Blythe

"It's mornings like this that have me convinced the moon doesn't exist. It looks like it's up there, but it's not real." -Marcus Quandt

"Doesn't that fog make you want to run through it? Doesn't that sound like fun? But when you think about it, you'd just be running through the same air you always do, so what's the point?" -Nathan Swengo

"I don't think Joe wants to go dressed like a matador up to Boys' Town." -Liz Owens

"The frog men got punished last night. They had frog paint all over them." -random man with a southern accent

"They named the gator after the wedding planner." -Amy Parkerson

"I'm gonna start a new thing on my jobs. If I hire anybody and things don't run the way I want them to or things don't go as I planned, then I get to kick people in the nuts. Just think how smooth the jobs I get will be after I do that, because no one wants a kick in the nuts." -Vince Terrazino

"Anybody that walked by would be like, 'oh him. He stuck one so far up his pooper that it won't come back out, and it's still on, so he's constantly vomiting.'" -Matt Miller

"I brought my Pee Wee Herman suit for back up just in case." -Ben Sherrill

"One time she fell out of a building while she was waving to my mom downtown." -Randy Kirkendall

"Press button. Get bacon." -random scribbling on a gas station bathroom wall

"My entire childhood was nothing but polka parties." -Susy Kronesczuk

"The pain was so intense that when I felt it, I couldn't do anything but scream, 'buttocks. buttocks.'" -Savanna Kimmerling

"I'm getting older. I don't know how much longer I can outrun a bull." -Vince Terrazino

"Hold still. Let me get the unicorn on ya." -Abram Galvin

"I'm not driving. I'm taking the train, which unfortunately means anal rape." -Spence Warren