Hand me my accordion and hat. I'm taking on the chest gerbil today.

"So I got one from a big, burly construction worker and one from the town whore, and that was it. Those Christmas cards made me feel weird." -Dave Grossnickle

"He runs out and buys this generator for the house during the blackouts, and he immediately. of all things that need power, plugs it into the television and fish tank." -Karol Clemons

"I stopped buying underwear. I can't see putting money into the strings." -Phyllis Kirkendall

"That's almost as weird as the guy playing the accordion watching the hockey game at the front office." -Jeff Owens

"She was awesome. She's the aunt that claimed to have smoked pot with Louie Armstrong." -Randy Kirkendall

"I know that town. If you need a good motel with sticky carpets and ashtrays screwed into the tables I might still have the number around here somewhere." -Randy Kirkendall

"This was a while back, back when my favorite mode of transportation was a shopping cart." -Tripp Starnes

"I hear this knock, and he's like, 'hey, it's Stuart.' And I tell him right away that I'm not ready for him yet, maybe I told him I was naked. And he says through the door, 'you know, this door is invisible.' Oh no, Stuart, we're not on that level yet." -Brooke Wilkie

"Ten dudes pop out of a fire truck. We're in our pajamas. I'm double-fisting, and these guys come in carrying these monoxide detectors, and I'm thinking the whole time, 'we're all gonna die.'" - Brooke Wilkie

"I still have dog treats stuck in my teeth on my birthday." -Jim Shearer

"I like this hat. It makes my head feel covered." -Julie Walker

"Imagine a world without pineapple. We'd all be making pina coladas out of rubber tires." -Tom Cicura

"I know what you're doing. You're petting the chest gerbil." -Jim Shearer

"I'll never forget that this guy had a baby doll with him, and when I turned over his cart it ended up rolling into a gutter." -Tim Young

"If it wasn't for my job there would be seven midgets out of work." - Mr. Jack

"They're putting me in a Mr. Peanut costume for ninety bucks." -Gary Eppenbaugh

"Here was my 36 hours: I went out to dinner for my birthday, had a martini flight, had a margarita flight, had another martini, went to the A to B party, made the rounds, got in my car, started driving home, got into an accident, went to the police station, got out of the police station, and that's when I found out my wife was pregnant." -Damian Huck

"I'm actually immune to salmonella. Must be from all these years of living in Indianapolis." -Joe Collins

"But I don't have any bed springs. How many pancakes can you eat without getting a tummy ache?" -Mark Shapiro
"Maybe one and a half." -me
"I can eat five. I love you. Goodbye." -Mark Shapiro