Reverse Chin Capes

"It was a long night of strong drinks, hilarious sharting, and crazy golf cart rides." -Kallie Kirkendall

"I put my dog on steroids this week." -random New Yorker
"You devil." -another random NYCer
"It's only for his coat." -random New Yorker

"Dimitry and Mexican Hat Guy - that's all they knew what to call these guys." -Stacey Havel

"So this kid stole his dad's business, and here's what he would do: He would buy towels and stuff from India and then sell them to, like, a Marriott. The deal was, he would say, 'I know you can get these cheaper somewhere else, but buy them from me and I'll buy you a car.' He actually paid for this kid's surgery once." -Kip Havel

"You want a song about life? That's what they're all about." -Random dive bar guitar player

"Just think of how many more people would have believed in him if Jesus would have worn a cape." -Dan Riordan

"That place has everything. I'm sure if you asked for a unicorn urine reduction sauce that they would have no problem giving it to you." -Mark Touissant

"So I wake up, and my sleep paralysis won't let me move. What's even worse is that when I finally can get out of bed, I have this hallucination where I know there is a zombie on the other side of my door that will kill me when I open it." -James Modder

"I usually close off the bedroom during the day so he doesn't puke on my pillows." -Jim Shearer

"I mean, how can you not party with a fifteen foot blow-up gorilla?" -Mike Getty

"She smelled like a used donkey, but, man, she had some amazing cans on her." -random Cubs bleacher bum

"I saw penguins. I saw seals. I saw seals eating penguins. There were whales from about here to that windshield wiper. You just don't get that anywhere else." -random

"Oh my god, I'm leaking all over the place. I need my child to get here now." -Michelle Breger

"She was telling me how she ran through Siberia and how she got chased by wolves and gypsies. This woman is amazing." -Melissa Rone

"Who would believe it? I'm throwing cups of gasoline on this Christmas tree and it still won't burn." -random

The Time Is Right For Fighting in the Street........Boy

"I walked into his office with a gunshot wound in my ass. The room kinda fell silent when I stumbled in there, but everyone got up to offer me a seat. When I finally got in to see him, the damn guy laughed at my x-ray." -Joe Prout

"She was a fairly attractive woman. She just didn't have any teeth though, which most people would like a lady to have a few of those." -Rocky Clemens

"Overall, a lot of people puked, including my bride. A couple tuxes were used as bathing suits at the hotel pool. Someone passed out on the can and it wasn't me for once. Dave was violated by a fat, black woman, and a hotel television was pissed on." -Corey Wagoner

"I woke up one morning in the sand. I guess I had passed out and they buried me in the stuff to keep me warm. My kids were a little pissed off, because I ended up missing Easter." -Steve Kimmerling

"It's either a brother/sister relationship, or it's a husband and wife thing." -Vaso Mikic

"We used to go out drinking and then have our friend pick us up from the bar. Then we'd end up plowing snow off the roads the rest of the night. It was way too much fun." -Abby Hardy

"If you go anywhere in the world and tell someone you're an American, they'll assume you have money, and they'll like you for that one reason. It's kinda crazy." -Will Cabral

"Our quality of life is subsidized by third world countries." -Jim Shearer

"That's what we can do on vacation: Slap our butts on some hamburger patties." -Liz Owens

"I'd rather somebody see my bare ass than get caught smoking pot. That'd be embarrassing, man." -Tyler Owens
*I hate when people see my bear ass.

"When you're forty and you want some hot amputee sex, don't come crying to old Landis." -John Landis

"Kirkendall, you're a marked man now. The shebeasts will pick up your now tamed marriage musk. Sporty, you'll be hiding atop his frame in a cougar hunting tree stand. When the moment is right Collins will blow his skank horn and you'll pounce. I will observe at a safe distance purely for redneck dubbed narration." -Brain Cole

"Is that guy riding a motorized beer cooler?" -Joe Collins
"I believe he is." -me
"This place is magical." -Joe Collins

"I'll have to rummage through my old jewelry boxes to see if I can find my last hit. See if I can find my last dregs of blotter acid." -Linda Kirkendall

"Have you ever been tubgirled?" -TJ Prayner
"Does it hurt?" -Alison Olcott
*It never gets old.

"If I had man-boobs I'd feel myself up every day." -Jim Shearer