"Hey guy, look at it outside. It’s raining albino babies and cocaine snowmen. There’s no way in hell I’m driving your grandmother’s car today in that." -random customer at a downtown drug store
"We found his shirt on the couch, his pants on the floor, his boxers near his door, and we found Craig buck-ass naked on his bed. Two words: snail trail." -TJ Prayner
"When she gets drunk she has a British accent, and no one knows where it came from." -Jennifer Shoop
"Remember that one time you brought me that sandwich and my roommate decided to fuck it?" -Ted Holt
"I set out to do two things tonight: drink beer and do laundry. And I’m starting to run out of beer." -Jim Shearer
"Whether they deserve it or not, taxpayers aren’t going to get electrocuted." -Jerry Walker
"The table looks good right now. We should spill gin on it more often." -Liz Owens
"I used to shotgun those with my mom. That’s the only time Busch Light is ever appropriate." - Alyse Gallagher
"I think if we ever had a cat we should name it Ann Coulter. That way you could kick it every day and have good reason for doing so." -Liz Owens
"You know how I describe it? I’ve never met so many people interested in my opinions for all the wrong reasons." -Mark Serafino
"As a woman, wouldn’t I rather put up with a butt grab rather than a face lick?" -Jeff Owens
"And as I’m walking out the door Barry Bonds and his huge ass head starts to walk into the place. I’m thinking to myself, ’perfect timing. I’m getting the hell out of this place.’" - Vince Terrazino
"I believe ’artsy-fartsy’ is a gentle way of saying someone is ’drugsy-wugsy.’" -Joe Kirkendall
Sue me.
"So was it a ’one drink and take her upstairs’ kind of thing?" -Random 1
"Not even that. She didn’t drink." -Random 2
"Nothing’s mystic, except maybe pizza." -Jim Klekowski
"Your husband’s a grown man, and he’s still having sleep-overs with his buddies?" -Vince Terrazino
"There’s a lot of things about him. I remember the guy as a huge gambler with a cane." -Matt Miller
"Screw the ballooners." -Perky Hammer
You think Perky had a great name? Her husband’s name was Dick.
"There was this one time the chimpanzee was acting up - kind of misbehaving, and they took him out back and literally cold-cocked him in the face. ’You better listen to me or else.’" -Joe Gajewski
"And to top it all off he gets out this surgical contraption so that I can comb this one strand of hair for eight hours." -Angela Brasington
"Don’t be foolish. There’s no money in handjobs. The real money is in role play. Get yourself a robe and wizard’s hat." -Lucas Schroeder
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