To Mustache Or Not To Mustache

"You shouldn't have asked me to marry you. You should have asked me to join the circus." -Liz Owens

"It's not like I'm a guy. I'm not going to drop my pants right outside the Wiener Circle and take a leak." -Katie Irizarry

"So do they drug test?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Oh yea? I mean, no. I don't think they do." -me
"It's not like I'm.......Did I ever tell you my parents were Hindus?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Hindus?" -me
"No. Wait. They're Buddhists. My parents are Buddhists. I always get them confused." -Brittany-Ann Casper

"Scarface likes the butt. He's crazy." -random lady downtown petting our dog

"I may not be a good husband, but I have a keen business sense, and that's no way to treat your employees." -Lucas Schroeder

"That operation requires quite a bit of girth, right?" -Phil Destephano
"That's what she said." -Dave Grossnickle
Ok. Once and only once. Never again on this list.

"What I'm thinking is - just take a can of silly string and shoot every girl you see in the face. Anyone that takes a swing at you is a candidate." -Jim Shearer

"The one is really good looking until she talks, and then you're like, 'Whoa, is this chick gonna pull her thing out and start pissing everywhere to show how much of a man she is?'" -Liz Owens

"We used to have an imaginary girl named Molly on our team for a darts league." -random guy

"That's ok. Once, instead of plugging mine into the wall, I threw it in the dryer on the gentle cycle. It lit up like a disco ball." -Lauren Kirkendall

"Some customer complained about hair in their food, so next thing you know he has it shaved down to a mustache." -Dave Grossnickle

"I was reading through this Harvard Medical Update. I just flip through the synopsis for a while, but anyway, what's funny is that I got my new Playboy the very same day, and inside it I read..." -Joe Schroeder
Insert whatever you'd like afterwards. It's all funny.

"This is the ultimate Mexican standoff if I ever saw one. This guy has a cup full of piss in his hands, and I don't think any of us are breaking line for him." -Jim Shearer

"[That's] my boy. You take that bottle down like a man and learn to live with that numb feeling in [your] gums. Learn to live in the [fucking] trees if you have to in order to survive. That's what it's all about, my friend. Don't make me throw you out this roof. You're my man, you [fucking king] among boys." - David Frasier
Happy race day. I think he liked me as a drinking buddy.

"Patrick Swayze, of all people, put it best about what he doesn't like about religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Was it, 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner?'" -Linda Kirkendall
"Nope, it was 'When religion becomes an organization it becomes more about the organization than the religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Oh. I still like mine." -Linda Kirkendall

"By the end of the night I'm playing bass on stage in the fetal position. They ended up pulling the plug on us, which was probably a good idea." -Patrick Riordan

"So we don't even know these guys, but they end up shaving off his eyebrows while he's sleeping, shaving off his mustache, and shaving creaming his whole face. Man, it was crazy." -Mono Wilborn

Butch Bikers, Mormons, Green Pizza. Oh My.

"I would say I've been farting fire, but fire doesn't have bits of solid now does it?" -Brian Cole
First line is a poop quip. Unbelievable.

"I'd be pretty pathetic without a prosthetic." -Jason Kotynski

"We found ourselves in a nest of motorcycle-clad lesbians, and all I could think of was, 'these people are going to be our neighbors. How much fun is this?'" -Randy Kirkendall

"You know the area where people get shot and killed every day? That's where I work." -Aleksandra Spevacek

"Thank God I'm not a woman. I'd always be pregnant." -a puppet controlled by a male actor dressed like a woman

"Bad things always happen when you shave your toes." -Lauren Kirkendall

"I need to become friends with more tent people." -Scott Woods

"Your mom in that Halloween picture looks like a kid off the streets." -Liz Owens

"I got bailed out when I found two Mormons hanging out inside the laundrymat down the street." -Annie Stuart

"It's like she was making her own fly-paper counter surface." -Jim Shearer

"That's what we do. We get back in the city, we open our suitcases, raise them above our heads, and shake the contents all over our room. Makes it feel like home again." -Tom Coburn

"I was looking at her trying to figure out what was wrong with her, and she's still, after all this time, completely naked in front of me." -Rachel Andrade

"Saw the Blade last night. Told him she had the fakie boobies. He was pumped. He seriously looked like a kid in a candy store." -Dan Riordan

"That's great. Let me row-sham-boe you in the clam." -TJ Prayner

"The worst I heard was some chick got raped with a curling iron." -Brian Cole
"That's burnt bacon and burnt hair all at once." -Jim Shearer

"Somebody shaved the Incredible Hulk's pubes and put them on that pizza." -Brian Cole

"I'm set. This summer I'm getting drunk at the Downtown and walking to my grandparents' house." -Tyler Owens

"Not many people can say they drunk-drove an elephant. You're a good man." -Jen Wright

"He's a hairy guy to say the least. And so when I wake up he has all these melted Milk Duds stuck in his chest and back." -Karol Clemens

"Some day he's gonna burp, and some day you're gonna see an Adidas coming out of his mouth because my foot will be that far up there." -Perry Waggoner

"I have dad's eyebrows in my food." -Kallie Kirkendall

"Unless he cut off her head, because that's what a lot of guys like that do." -Phyllis Kirkendall