To Mustache Or Not To Mustache

"You shouldn't have asked me to marry you. You should have asked me to join the circus." -Liz Owens

"It's not like I'm a guy. I'm not going to drop my pants right outside the Wiener Circle and take a leak." -Katie Irizarry

"So do they drug test?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Oh yea? I mean, no. I don't think they do." -me
"It's not like I'm.......Did I ever tell you my parents were Hindus?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Hindus?" -me
"No. Wait. They're Buddhists. My parents are Buddhists. I always get them confused." -Brittany-Ann Casper

"Scarface likes the butt. He's crazy." -random lady downtown petting our dog

"I may not be a good husband, but I have a keen business sense, and that's no way to treat your employees." -Lucas Schroeder

"That operation requires quite a bit of girth, right?" -Phil Destephano
"That's what she said." -Dave Grossnickle
Ok. Once and only once. Never again on this list.

"What I'm thinking is - just take a can of silly string and shoot every girl you see in the face. Anyone that takes a swing at you is a candidate." -Jim Shearer

"The one is really good looking until she talks, and then you're like, 'Whoa, is this chick gonna pull her thing out and start pissing everywhere to show how much of a man she is?'" -Liz Owens

"We used to have an imaginary girl named Molly on our team for a darts league." -random guy

"That's ok. Once, instead of plugging mine into the wall, I threw it in the dryer on the gentle cycle. It lit up like a disco ball." -Lauren Kirkendall

"Some customer complained about hair in their food, so next thing you know he has it shaved down to a mustache." -Dave Grossnickle

"I was reading through this Harvard Medical Update. I just flip through the synopsis for a while, but anyway, what's funny is that I got my new Playboy the very same day, and inside it I read..." -Joe Schroeder
Insert whatever you'd like afterwards. It's all funny.

"This is the ultimate Mexican standoff if I ever saw one. This guy has a cup full of piss in his hands, and I don't think any of us are breaking line for him." -Jim Shearer

"[That's] my boy. You take that bottle down like a man and learn to live with that numb feeling in [your] gums. Learn to live in the [fucking] trees if you have to in order to survive. That's what it's all about, my friend. Don't make me throw you out this roof. You're my man, you [fucking king] among boys." - David Frasier
Happy race day. I think he liked me as a drinking buddy.

"Patrick Swayze, of all people, put it best about what he doesn't like about religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Was it, 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner?'" -Linda Kirkendall
"Nope, it was 'When religion becomes an organization it becomes more about the organization than the religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Oh. I still like mine." -Linda Kirkendall

"By the end of the night I'm playing bass on stage in the fetal position. They ended up pulling the plug on us, which was probably a good idea." -Patrick Riordan

"So we don't even know these guys, but they end up shaving off his eyebrows while he's sleeping, shaving off his mustache, and shaving creaming his whole face. Man, it was crazy." -Mono Wilborn