A Little Bit Of Blasphemy Repeating

"They ended up wearing these garbage bags over themselves and slaughtering the hell out of this thing because it wouldn't fit in the oven." -Jennifer Shoop

"Did he really just fart fire to kill Jesus?" -Liz Owens

"If I ever had to come back as something I'd want to come back as a fat, carniverous frog." -TJ Prayner

"She's so skinny it's gross. It's like there's nothing there. You can see what she's thinking." -Eric Drury

"I wanted to let you know that the wiggling stub is going in to have the testicle removed from her neck." -Randy Kirkendall
Like always, taken out of context and normal in its complete conversation.

"The only thing Elvis ever did to boost his career was die." -Random

"There's two places I don't want to go today: Iraq and prison." -Brian Fairley

"Oh, it was wonderful. We shared a bathroom with these people for two days and ended up sleeping on their couch." -Random

"I love you so much that I sleep on your fold-out couch." -Rachel Davis
*Back-to-back couch quotes make me want to party. Makes us all want to party.

"I mean acorns are fine, but when you start shitting on my appliances I have to draw a line somewhere." -Lucas Schroeder

"Don't leave that there. The whole house will smell like rotten pussy." -Linda Kirkendall

"Just wait till I get on one. I'll bite someone's ear off." -Lauren Kirkendall

"Was my ear on fire for a minute? Because it kinda felt like it was." -Randy Kirkendall
*Back-to-back ear quotes too. Creepy.

"There are these dog cougars things running around that I think have some raccoon in them too. I think these people are growing mutant animals at this place." -Vinnie Terrazino

"We've been suffering through mediocrity or worse since before we had hair on our nugget pouches." -Joe Collins

"The experience has taught us that the better the dinner and the better the cocktails, the better the chance for oral sex that evening. We don't make up the rules, honey. We just play by 'em." -.....Random

Freezer Sirloin Is No Substitute For Animal Underwear

"I can't believe you still have silly string on your car. It's starting to look like angel-hair pasta." -Jim Shearer

"This is one of my own songs. It's about a schizophrenic who's on trial for murder. It's called, 'You Don't Know the Half of It.'" -John Orr

"That's what I was thinking. I don't want to walk up there and pee on stage." -Katie Irizarry

"And as the Irish chanting fades the house music slowly creeps in." -David Samo

"Breathing fire makes you tired." -Liz Owens

"We have this picture of a steak frozen in the air about to hit this guy in the face. And then it gets worse - a vegetarian ended up getting cold-cocked in the face with one of those things. That's when someone got tackled through the apartment window." -Peter Weise

"I've got a woman's intuition and a huge cock. I'm unstoppable. I'm like fucking Godzilla." -Jim Shearer
He swears I wasn't quoting him. I was quoting the cough syrup.

"I tried my leisure suit on today and it felt good. Sometimes I wonder why I don't wear it all the time." -Lucas Schroeder

"That woman needs to get screwed hard and sent flowers the next morning. Maybe then she'll be nice to us." -Michelle Breger

"'Wowsers in my trousers' might be my new favorite thing to say." -Savanna Kimmerling

"Oh no. Do I have your mustache on my card?" -Illisa Curry

"What's with the tackle box?" -Jerry Alder
"I'm Penny Lane, bitch." -Lauren Kirkendall

"You missed it. Jim just hit five girls in the face with his keg on the pole. They were so pissed. And now he's sitting on one of their laps." -TJ Prayner

"What happens at pre-school stays at pre-school." -Random kid

"So after a long night of dirty whisky and strip clubs I guess you've got nothing left to talk about besides trains. So we talked about trains, man." -Random

"Don't you like dive bars?" -Vince Terrazzino
"Yea, but I like naked girls dipped in cheese better." -Illisa Curry

"Next time I'm here I'm wearing an elephant thong." -Jeff Curry

"You know how when you're sleeping you sometimes jerk awake? That's from when humans were monkeys and fell out of trees. It's hardwired in our brains." -Random

"It's the same place that I took the picture of the black, robotic Santa Claus that I sent you. That place exists." -Random

"I probably would have stuck a giant summer sausage in some tight shorts and saw where the night went." -Mike Mettham