"I can't believe you still have silly string on your car. It's starting to look like angel-hair pasta." -Jim Shearer
"This is one of my own songs. It's about a schizophrenic who's on trial for murder. It's called, 'You Don't Know the Half of It.'" -John Orr
"That's what I was thinking. I don't want to walk up there and pee on stage." -Katie Irizarry
"And as the Irish chanting fades the house music slowly creeps in." -David Samo
"Breathing fire makes you tired." -Liz Owens
"We have this picture of a steak frozen in the air about to hit this guy in the face. And then it gets worse - a vegetarian ended up getting cold-cocked in the face with one of those things. That's when someone got tackled through the apartment window." -Peter Weise
"I've got a woman's intuition and a huge cock. I'm unstoppable. I'm like fucking Godzilla." -Jim Shearer
He swears I wasn't quoting him. I was quoting the cough syrup.
"I tried my leisure suit on today and it felt good. Sometimes I wonder why I don't wear it all the time." -Lucas Schroeder
"That woman needs to get screwed hard and sent flowers the next morning. Maybe then she'll be nice to us." -Michelle Breger
"'Wowsers in my trousers' might be my new favorite thing to say." -Savanna Kimmerling
"Oh no. Do I have your mustache on my card?" -Illisa Curry
"What's with the tackle box?" -Jerry Alder
"I'm Penny Lane, bitch." -Lauren Kirkendall
"You missed it. Jim just hit five girls in the face with his keg on the pole. They were so pissed. And now he's sitting on one of their laps." -TJ Prayner
"What happens at pre-school stays at pre-school." -Random kid
"So after a long night of dirty whisky and strip clubs I guess you've got nothing left to talk about besides trains. So we talked about trains, man." -Random
"Don't you like dive bars?" -Vince Terrazzino
"Yea, but I like naked girls dipped in cheese better." -Illisa Curry
"Next time I'm here I'm wearing an elephant thong." -Jeff Curry
"You know how when you're sleeping you sometimes jerk awake? That's from when humans were monkeys and fell out of trees. It's hardwired in our brains." -Random
"It's the same place that I took the picture of the black, robotic Santa Claus that I sent you. That place exists." -Random
"I probably would have stuck a giant summer sausage in some tight shorts and saw where the night went." -Mike Mettham
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