Jumping Zombie Donkey Rides

"I'm not looking at you, but my hat is." -Jenn Silva

"It's not the first time I've gone to the principal's office with booze on my breath, but it's the first time it's happened that early in the morning. I walk in, and they have her laid down on a backboard with a turban of gauze wrapped around her head." -Matt Miller

"Why do you always equate you being an asshole with owing me cookies?" -Jim Shearer

"I'm telling you: Her ass is as big as that sofa, and she wears wrestling boots." -Dan Waymack

"So, as a tribute to this guy, there were nine of us that lined up along the side of this pool, and we all took a piss in it." -Vince Terrazino

"I grew up on a golf course, and I can't stand the game. People would always hit golf balls into our swimming pool, and we'd find these random guys fishing through the water to get them back." -Kim Stafford

"I got wasted one night at a sushi dinner, and our CEO taught me a whole bunch of Japanese. Now I can't remember any of it." -Brooke Wilkie

"If you could figure out a way to deep-fry Guinness it would be heaven." -Kerry Tracey

"Your Taco Bell is in the back seat of my car, but I'm in jail." -Becky Werve

"This is my neighbor Chad. He's gonna throw some shit on me so I look like a zombie, and then we're gonna drink some beer." -Big Sam Andrzejewski

"So you've got this viking sewing this nordic emblem on a yam-aka as a gift. It was neat." -Ellen Stafford

"This place smells like donkey rides." -Paul Mitchell

"The police station is in a strip mall of all places. But they've got this huge wig shop so you can still feel safe." -Vince Terrazino

"They better have damn good pizza for not having any robots." -Dan Marcus

"I would never do a crazy dance like that without having the mouse suit on." -Ritch Wedeking

"Are you going to have people jumping off the tops of buildings to see if they bounce? Oh man, I should be in advertising." -Savanna Kimmerling

"Let's see if we can tuck another salad bowl into his pants, just to be on the safe side." -random

"I don't eat clams, but I bet on them for racing." -Jim Shearer

"I bought Grandma a pair of leather chaps without the ass in them. She's never worn them, and now I think I'm out an indian." -Tony Miller

"But here's the thing: People are still getting married and people are still dying, so the flower business isn't anything to worry about," -Ty Patrick

"I had a dream that your father rubbed off all his hair last night." -Linda Kirkendall