"Listen here, you little monkeys. I made a reservation for the blow-up doll, so we don't have to wait in lines like you do." -Keith Kreicker
"If you bring your sock puppets I'll ride on the train with you." -Alex McKinnon
"I'm actually relishing the fact that all these people will be peeing in my snow come winter." -Kerry Tracey
"He's a short guy, so her boobs would crush him if she got her way." -Liz Owens
"You've got hair in your beard." -Liz Owens
"Twice this year I've eaten the tine of a fork, and I'm really waiting for the bad aftermath of it all." -Brian Cole
"I don't rent my poop to anyone, because that shit's mine." -Clay Kreicker
"Lady, watch your kids. The drag queens might run them over." -Nick Joyner
"Don't worry. If you weren't wearing a dress today I would have assumed you were gay." -John Landis
"Oh no. Look at this. It's like getting really drunk and stepping on your own hair." -Linda Kirkendall
*Winner of this list's Taken Out of Context Award
"I need new perky coconuts. The ones I have right now are sagging down to my calves." -Kathy Kreicker
"My mom always said, 'rub your breasts with a towel to toughen them up.'" -Randy Kirkendall
"I didn't make out with the girl. I drank her beer, and I made five bucks in the process." -Jim Shearer
"Did you see the hombre over here relaxing in the grass with his forty wrapped in tin foil?" -Michelle Breger
"You know this guy driving the car said, 'Seriously? Did I really just hit a chicken wearing a cape?" -JR Huntington
"So my buddy's job, literally, is to cut the asshole out of this cow. How do you explain that to people?" -EJ Hunteman
"There was this random air mattress hanging out in the sand, and the two of us laid there thinking to ourselves, 'life doesn't get better than this.'" -Chris Dame
"I wish my sister had a laugh like that, because she has horse teeth." -Jennifer Silva
"I see your hands are full. Makes it easier to tickle your balls." -Kory Salajka
"I'm gonna go out and buy two-cycle oil and a turkey baster so I can artificially inseminate myself and shit an engine." -Jim Shearer
"Rock and roll is dead. Has been for years. I've been in a lot of bands. A lot of bands. And in a good majority of them I haven't done a thing but dance on stage with an instrument in my hands. Rock and roll is dead. Believe me." -random
"That'd be like throwing a fox and a chicken in a potato sack and dumping it in the pond." -Roger Mcgui
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