Hand me my accordion and hat. I'm taking on the chest gerbil today.

"So I got one from a big, burly construction worker and one from the town whore, and that was it. Those Christmas cards made me feel weird." -Dave Grossnickle

"He runs out and buys this generator for the house during the blackouts, and he immediately. of all things that need power, plugs it into the television and fish tank." -Karol Clemons

"I stopped buying underwear. I can't see putting money into the strings." -Phyllis Kirkendall

"That's almost as weird as the guy playing the accordion watching the hockey game at the front office." -Jeff Owens

"She was awesome. She's the aunt that claimed to have smoked pot with Louie Armstrong." -Randy Kirkendall

"I know that town. If you need a good motel with sticky carpets and ashtrays screwed into the tables I might still have the number around here somewhere." -Randy Kirkendall

"This was a while back, back when my favorite mode of transportation was a shopping cart." -Tripp Starnes

"I hear this knock, and he's like, 'hey, it's Stuart.' And I tell him right away that I'm not ready for him yet, maybe I told him I was naked. And he says through the door, 'you know, this door is invisible.' Oh no, Stuart, we're not on that level yet." -Brooke Wilkie

"Ten dudes pop out of a fire truck. We're in our pajamas. I'm double-fisting, and these guys come in carrying these monoxide detectors, and I'm thinking the whole time, 'we're all gonna die.'" - Brooke Wilkie

"I still have dog treats stuck in my teeth on my birthday." -Jim Shearer

"I like this hat. It makes my head feel covered." -Julie Walker

"Imagine a world without pineapple. We'd all be making pina coladas out of rubber tires." -Tom Cicura

"I know what you're doing. You're petting the chest gerbil." -Jim Shearer

"I'll never forget that this guy had a baby doll with him, and when I turned over his cart it ended up rolling into a gutter." -Tim Young

"If it wasn't for my job there would be seven midgets out of work." - Mr. Jack

"They're putting me in a Mr. Peanut costume for ninety bucks." -Gary Eppenbaugh

"Here was my 36 hours: I went out to dinner for my birthday, had a martini flight, had a margarita flight, had another martini, went to the A to B party, made the rounds, got in my car, started driving home, got into an accident, went to the police station, got out of the police station, and that's when I found out my wife was pregnant." -Damian Huck

"I'm actually immune to salmonella. Must be from all these years of living in Indianapolis." -Joe Collins

"But I don't have any bed springs. How many pancakes can you eat without getting a tummy ache?" -Mark Shapiro
"Maybe one and a half." -me
"I can eat five. I love you. Goodbye." -Mark Shapiro

Candy People and their Mutton Face counterparts.

"I forgot about labradors and their dick-whip tails. Gotta keep an eye out." -Doug White

"Candy people are good people. People that don't like candy are sourpusses, mutton faces, and alcoholics." -Rocky Clemons

"That's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna put coffee beans in my bathrooms to take care of the smell." -random

"Cough drops and gum. That's all he seems to live on." -Josh Mulvry

"We're getting to the point where we can make the state of Vermont look like the spitting image of Marilyn Monroe. With technology anything is possible." -random

"Time's getting so bad people be stealing baby food and selling it out on the street." -random pharmacy employee, very friendly

"I told him I snore. He said, 'that's ok. I drink.'" Next thing you know he's passed out in his little velvet underwear." -Frank Yario

"That inflatable snowman was haunting me all night long." -Jim Shearer

"Where are you? What are you doing?" -Tim Harris
"I'm on the rooftop trying to keep the bumble bee from getting cold." -Mike Chesler
"Ok, I'll ask someone else for a favor then." -Tim Harris

"I always thought it was a made-up mouse word." -Nathan Swango
"It is a made-up mouse word." -Taylor Estell
"No, British people apparently say it all the time." -Nathan Swango

"And that's why I wear a hoodie: So I can sleep at the airport and not get poop on my head." -Roger McGuin

"He fell in love with our Polish cleaning lady, and they ended up moving to China together." -Suzy Kornesczuk

"So she's living in this over-sized bungalow while they're in the room next door trying to make a baby and keeping her up at night." -Paula Blythe

"I want it to rain peas. Wait, even better: I want a man dressed up in a pea costume to dance around and eventually get shot out of a cannon." -Matt Rosak

"Nothing says, 'I love you,' like toilet water." -Alex Garcia

"My buddy got into a bottle of Absythyne once. He told me he wound up naked in his backyard thinking about skinning his dog and wearing the coat as a hat." -Nathan Swango

"What is that thing? A fire hydrant? I've seen enough cartoons. I know where this is going." -Brad Barret

"That's why all the Smurfs were blue, because there was only one girl." -Michelle Breger

"We have a lot in common, like video games, marijuana, and awesome." -Brian Babarik

"It does run in the family. Joe's grandfather always has the same blackmouth around Christmas time." -Liz Owens

See? Bert and Ernie really are my homeboys.

"A shady creole man came in yesterday offering elephant rides." -Dan Riordan

"Dude, we need to go to San Diego." -random waiter
"Oh, no you guys don't. You'd end up drinking your own urine." -Linda Kirkendall

"If my wife/fiance/girlfriend existed I'd probably leave her at home for this." -Dave Grossnickle

"Is that what I think it is?" -Joe Conley
"Yep." -me
"And you're throwing it in the dumpster?" -Joe Conley
"Yep." -me
"What a waste. That octopus should end up on a windshield of some horrible driver's car." -Joe Conley

"I'd love to hug the dog, but I'm cutting cheese." -Paula Blythe

"It's mornings like this that have me convinced the moon doesn't exist. It looks like it's up there, but it's not real." -Marcus Quandt

"Doesn't that fog make you want to run through it? Doesn't that sound like fun? But when you think about it, you'd just be running through the same air you always do, so what's the point?" -Nathan Swengo

"I don't think Joe wants to go dressed like a matador up to Boys' Town." -Liz Owens

"The frog men got punished last night. They had frog paint all over them." -random man with a southern accent

"They named the gator after the wedding planner." -Amy Parkerson

"I'm gonna start a new thing on my jobs. If I hire anybody and things don't run the way I want them to or things don't go as I planned, then I get to kick people in the nuts. Just think how smooth the jobs I get will be after I do that, because no one wants a kick in the nuts." -Vince Terrazino

"Anybody that walked by would be like, 'oh him. He stuck one so far up his pooper that it won't come back out, and it's still on, so he's constantly vomiting.'" -Matt Miller

"I brought my Pee Wee Herman suit for back up just in case." -Ben Sherrill

"One time she fell out of a building while she was waving to my mom downtown." -Randy Kirkendall

"Press button. Get bacon." -random scribbling on a gas station bathroom wall

"My entire childhood was nothing but polka parties." -Susy Kronesczuk

"The pain was so intense that when I felt it, I couldn't do anything but scream, 'buttocks. buttocks.'" -Savanna Kimmerling

"I'm getting older. I don't know how much longer I can outrun a bull." -Vince Terrazino

"Hold still. Let me get the unicorn on ya." -Abram Galvin

"I'm not driving. I'm taking the train, which unfortunately means anal rape." -Spence Warren

Marshmallows, Maggots, And The Occasional Marine Obstacle Course

"I fell asleep on the sidewalk. I think it's time for me to go to bed." -Karen Frick

"This one's for you, ladies. Get off your damn phones and listen." -JW Puckett

"I'm not here two minutes and you're already bombarding me with mouth vaginas." -Michelle Breger

"If you ever want to trap a raccoon, marshmallows are the way to go." -Tim Harris

"I'd like to put my face under it and pretend it's a horse." -Corey Gibbons

"Clearly you missed it last week. I had a whole egg all over my boob." -random waitress

"How is it that all restaurants close at nine every night, but the people around here are so fat?" -Vince Terrazino

"Oh god. I thought you were bringing me more maggot-covered raccoons." -Michelle Breger

"I'm going to try and pee in a bag. I can't stop shaking." -random text

"If the devil had a beach house, he'd name it Gino's." -random

"Well, I didn't come to New York not to drink. Where's Cole's shoe?" -Patrick Riordan

"I've never met her. I've never met anyone that's been a hundred percent. That's why I've hired myself a maid." -Patrick Riordan

"You can find out a lot about a man by how careful he is with his pancake condiments." -Dan Riordan

"In a couple hours we'll be kicking back, drinking Arnie Palmers; watching polite, bare-breasted women deal cards." -Spence Warren

"You know what the best thing about cooking is? Making the waitresses cry." -John Landis

"One more bobble-head and these things are going to pants me." -Tyler Owens

"You're going to need to start with Marine or Army obstacle training if you want to go through with this. You're going to need to start stealing cars and jumping fences for practice." -Linda Kirkendall

"They're really cute unless you own a horse farm. Then you have to shoot them." -random

"He was a hard guy not to yell back at. He kept reappearing, popping his head out of some random, different window of his building and screaming at us that we were unprofessional. Who does that?" -Tim Young

You Say Sock Puppet, I Say Potato Sack

"Listen here, you little monkeys. I made a reservation for the blow-up doll, so we don't have to wait in lines like you do." -Keith Kreicker

"If you bring your sock puppets I'll ride on the train with you." -Alex McKinnon

"I'm actually relishing the fact that all these people will be peeing in my snow come winter." -Kerry Tracey

"He's a short guy, so her boobs would crush him if she got her way." -Liz Owens

"You've got hair in your beard." -Liz Owens

"Twice this year I've eaten the tine of a fork, and I'm really waiting for the bad aftermath of it all." -Brian Cole

"I don't rent my poop to anyone, because that shit's mine." -Clay Kreicker

"Lady, watch your kids. The drag queens might run them over." -Nick Joyner

"Don't worry. If you weren't wearing a dress today I would have assumed you were gay." -John Landis

"Oh no. Look at this. It's like getting really drunk and stepping on your own hair." -Linda Kirkendall
*Winner of this list's Taken Out of Context Award

"I need new perky coconuts. The ones I have right now are sagging down to my calves." -Kathy Kreicker

"My mom always said, 'rub your breasts with a towel to toughen them up.'" -Randy Kirkendall

"I didn't make out with the girl. I drank her beer, and I made five bucks in the process." -Jim Shearer

"Did you see the hombre over here relaxing in the grass with his forty wrapped in tin foil?" -Michelle Breger

"You know this guy driving the car said, 'Seriously? Did I really just hit a chicken wearing a cape?" -JR Huntington

"So my buddy's job, literally, is to cut the asshole out of this cow. How do you explain that to people?" -EJ Hunteman

"There was this random air mattress hanging out in the sand, and the two of us laid there thinking to ourselves, 'life doesn't get better than this.'" -Chris Dame

"I wish my sister had a laugh like that, because she has horse teeth." -Jennifer Silva

"I see your hands are full. Makes it easier to tickle your balls." -Kory Salajka

"I'm gonna go out and buy two-cycle oil and a turkey baster so I can artificially inseminate myself and shit an engine." -Jim Shearer

"Rock and roll is dead. Has been for years. I've been in a lot of bands. A lot of bands. And in a good majority of them I haven't done a thing but dance on stage with an instrument in my hands. Rock and roll is dead. Believe me." -random

"That'd be like throwing a fox and a chicken in a potato sack and dumping it in the pond." -Roger Mcgui

Jumping Zombie Donkey Rides

"I'm not looking at you, but my hat is." -Jenn Silva

"It's not the first time I've gone to the principal's office with booze on my breath, but it's the first time it's happened that early in the morning. I walk in, and they have her laid down on a backboard with a turban of gauze wrapped around her head." -Matt Miller

"Why do you always equate you being an asshole with owing me cookies?" -Jim Shearer

"I'm telling you: Her ass is as big as that sofa, and she wears wrestling boots." -Dan Waymack

"So, as a tribute to this guy, there were nine of us that lined up along the side of this pool, and we all took a piss in it." -Vince Terrazino

"I grew up on a golf course, and I can't stand the game. People would always hit golf balls into our swimming pool, and we'd find these random guys fishing through the water to get them back." -Kim Stafford

"I got wasted one night at a sushi dinner, and our CEO taught me a whole bunch of Japanese. Now I can't remember any of it." -Brooke Wilkie

"If you could figure out a way to deep-fry Guinness it would be heaven." -Kerry Tracey

"Your Taco Bell is in the back seat of my car, but I'm in jail." -Becky Werve

"This is my neighbor Chad. He's gonna throw some shit on me so I look like a zombie, and then we're gonna drink some beer." -Big Sam Andrzejewski

"So you've got this viking sewing this nordic emblem on a yam-aka as a gift. It was neat." -Ellen Stafford

"This place smells like donkey rides." -Paul Mitchell

"The police station is in a strip mall of all places. But they've got this huge wig shop so you can still feel safe." -Vince Terrazino

"They better have damn good pizza for not having any robots." -Dan Marcus

"I would never do a crazy dance like that without having the mouse suit on." -Ritch Wedeking

"Are you going to have people jumping off the tops of buildings to see if they bounce? Oh man, I should be in advertising." -Savanna Kimmerling

"Let's see if we can tuck another salad bowl into his pants, just to be on the safe side." -random

"I don't eat clams, but I bet on them for racing." -Jim Shearer

"I bought Grandma a pair of leather chaps without the ass in them. She's never worn them, and now I think I'm out an indian." -Tony Miller

"But here's the thing: People are still getting married and people are still dying, so the flower business isn't anything to worry about," -Ty Patrick

"I had a dream that your father rubbed off all his hair last night." -Linda Kirkendall

You’re Not Fully Clean Until You’re Guinea Pig-Fully Clean.

"Don't give yourself a hernia carrying that cheese home." -Jim Shearer

"He's a crossdresser don't you know? That's why I'm into him." -Melissa Rone

"Do their margaritas taste like baby aspirin? They must, because I like the taste of baby aspirin, and I like those margaritas." -Random

"You know that while he's sitting there watching Elmo he's thinking, 'as soon as this motherfucker turns his head I'm getting in the cabinet and spreading his shit all over the place." -Kwame Amoaku

"Careful. The world could end tomorrow and you'll find yourself stuck with a wallet full of cash and no fish to swim with." -random bum
"What?" -me
"Spare me some change?" -same random bum

"Plastic forks will never conquer croutons." -Marcus Quandt

"My lunch just started leaking on my pants." -Alison Becker

"Did that really happen? Did you really check your pockets for your beer?" -Marcus Quandt

"I want to punch this guy so hard that he'll think he can time travel." -Dan Riordan

"I want to use that woman like a car: Ride her hard and put her to bed in the garage." -random boss of mine

"If hats are frat boy sun dials, then popped collars are gaydar stealth deflectors." -Brian Cole

"I was hungry, but then I farted and smelled it and I was suddenly full." -Jim Shearer
*Winner of this list's Out of Context Award

"I'm not very athletic. If you threw a Nerf ball at my head I'd probably duck in horror." -Jessica Voogd

"C'mon, Tim. Let's have some fun." -Brian Fairly
"You want to have some fun? I've got an idea. Let's go outside, pick up some loose rocks, and throw them at people with children. Now that's my idea of a good time." -Tim Harris

"When I blow my nose I can taste the falafel." -Rachel Davis

"Why would he want to rub guinea pigs all over his body?" -Sue Tomko
"I don't know. The guy's from Ecuador." -Jules Tomko

"If you're gonna piss in someone's face, she better be at least 16." -Ben Schroeder

"Last night Chip was trying to catch a raccoon with a fleece. You'll like this guy." -Alison Silliman

"So we were covered in potato salad because we had gotten so drunk and we were throwing it at each other. And it was raining. We drove all the way back to Elwood naked." -Randy Kirkendall
*It's gotta end somewhere, right? See y'all next time, kids.