A Little Bit Of Blasphemy Repeating

"They ended up wearing these garbage bags over themselves and slaughtering the hell out of this thing because it wouldn't fit in the oven." -Jennifer Shoop

"Did he really just fart fire to kill Jesus?" -Liz Owens

"If I ever had to come back as something I'd want to come back as a fat, carniverous frog." -TJ Prayner

"She's so skinny it's gross. It's like there's nothing there. You can see what she's thinking." -Eric Drury

"I wanted to let you know that the wiggling stub is going in to have the testicle removed from her neck." -Randy Kirkendall
Like always, taken out of context and normal in its complete conversation.

"The only thing Elvis ever did to boost his career was die." -Random

"There's two places I don't want to go today: Iraq and prison." -Brian Fairley

"Oh, it was wonderful. We shared a bathroom with these people for two days and ended up sleeping on their couch." -Random

"I love you so much that I sleep on your fold-out couch." -Rachel Davis
*Back-to-back couch quotes make me want to party. Makes us all want to party.

"I mean acorns are fine, but when you start shitting on my appliances I have to draw a line somewhere." -Lucas Schroeder

"Don't leave that there. The whole house will smell like rotten pussy." -Linda Kirkendall

"Just wait till I get on one. I'll bite someone's ear off." -Lauren Kirkendall

"Was my ear on fire for a minute? Because it kinda felt like it was." -Randy Kirkendall
*Back-to-back ear quotes too. Creepy.

"There are these dog cougars things running around that I think have some raccoon in them too. I think these people are growing mutant animals at this place." -Vinnie Terrazino

"We've been suffering through mediocrity or worse since before we had hair on our nugget pouches." -Joe Collins

"The experience has taught us that the better the dinner and the better the cocktails, the better the chance for oral sex that evening. We don't make up the rules, honey. We just play by 'em." -.....Random

Freezer Sirloin Is No Substitute For Animal Underwear

"I can't believe you still have silly string on your car. It's starting to look like angel-hair pasta." -Jim Shearer

"This is one of my own songs. It's about a schizophrenic who's on trial for murder. It's called, 'You Don't Know the Half of It.'" -John Orr

"That's what I was thinking. I don't want to walk up there and pee on stage." -Katie Irizarry

"And as the Irish chanting fades the house music slowly creeps in." -David Samo

"Breathing fire makes you tired." -Liz Owens

"We have this picture of a steak frozen in the air about to hit this guy in the face. And then it gets worse - a vegetarian ended up getting cold-cocked in the face with one of those things. That's when someone got tackled through the apartment window." -Peter Weise

"I've got a woman's intuition and a huge cock. I'm unstoppable. I'm like fucking Godzilla." -Jim Shearer
He swears I wasn't quoting him. I was quoting the cough syrup.

"I tried my leisure suit on today and it felt good. Sometimes I wonder why I don't wear it all the time." -Lucas Schroeder

"That woman needs to get screwed hard and sent flowers the next morning. Maybe then she'll be nice to us." -Michelle Breger

"'Wowsers in my trousers' might be my new favorite thing to say." -Savanna Kimmerling

"Oh no. Do I have your mustache on my card?" -Illisa Curry

"What's with the tackle box?" -Jerry Alder
"I'm Penny Lane, bitch." -Lauren Kirkendall

"You missed it. Jim just hit five girls in the face with his keg on the pole. They were so pissed. And now he's sitting on one of their laps." -TJ Prayner

"What happens at pre-school stays at pre-school." -Random kid

"So after a long night of dirty whisky and strip clubs I guess you've got nothing left to talk about besides trains. So we talked about trains, man." -Random

"Don't you like dive bars?" -Vince Terrazzino
"Yea, but I like naked girls dipped in cheese better." -Illisa Curry

"Next time I'm here I'm wearing an elephant thong." -Jeff Curry

"You know how when you're sleeping you sometimes jerk awake? That's from when humans were monkeys and fell out of trees. It's hardwired in our brains." -Random

"It's the same place that I took the picture of the black, robotic Santa Claus that I sent you. That place exists." -Random

"I probably would have stuck a giant summer sausage in some tight shorts and saw where the night went." -Mike Mettham

So Two Little People Walk Into A Bar To Play Hangman Billiards....

"I suspect you'll need some extra lube if having your way with a robot." -Clay Kreicker

"I had that thing imported from Puerto Rico, so I'm sorry if it smells like a dingy airport ham and cheese." -Brian Cole

"Oh man. I thought she was fucking a horse there for a second." -Randy Kirkendall

"I had a headache for about five minutes this morning. I brushed my teeth, threw up in the sink, and now I'm good." -Jim Shearer

"Somehow a picture of me with two midget strippers on my lap turned into my mom's birthday card." -John Landis

"That girl's face is like a parking lot for dicks." -email from random Denver waitress
"I call handicap spot." -John Landis

"They asked Rocky what sex was like at his age, and he said it's similar to shooting pool with a rope." -Randy Kirkendall

"Some places kick me out right away, but this place let me clean it up and stay, which I appreciate." -Lucas Schroeder

"Guys, I have twelve fresh stitches on my forehead, Joe has a buffalo on his head, and Lou is drinking Beam out of an ice cooler. We're doing quite well for ourselves." -Lucas Schroeder

"Rocky's in fine form. I just found him lying on the floor of his hotel room telling everyone he wants cotton candy." -Dan Riordan

"His hair goes all the way up. I bet it looks like a wookie dick." -Lucas Schroeder

"So there were some damages to your room that we're going to have to charge you for." -Random hotel attendant
"Huh? Damages?" -Random guy checking out
"There was blood on the linens, blood in the bathroom, and blood on the carpet." -Random hotel attendant
"Blood?" -Random guy checking out
"Aren't you with the bachelor party?" -Random hotel attendant
"Actually, funny thing is: That was us, and this guy right here had nothing to do with it." -Lucas Schroeder

"I don't know which pack of cigarettes I peed on. We might need to stop somewhere so I can pick up more to be safe." -Jim Shearer

"He let out a stinker this morning and the dog vomited." -Linda Kirkendall

"So if you're popping or eating popcorn remember to wear a respirator." -Kylie Haskins

"Like I always say, 'feed them enough drinks and you can make them eat dog shit.'" -Randy Kirkendall

"Honey, you really should have shaved your toes for this occasion." -Linda Kirkendall

"Someone came up to me and asked, 'Who's the random tall guy with the sport coat and aqua socks?' " -Kallie Kirkendall

"I'm not gonna be happy until I see two fists in the turkey." -JR Huntington

"If girls ever silly-stringed my car I'd send them yeast infections in the mail." -David Samo

Hat Terrorists, Eyeball Eaters, and Elf Examinations

"We're here. We're queer. We need to finish our beer." -random derby fan

"That looks like a Transformer coming out of a steaming pile of dog shit." -Randy Kirkendall

"You guys didn't really ride that golf cart over here sitting on fake clumps of grass did you?" -random
"Just pretend you never saw this." -me
"As long as there's not a hot dog still in the cup holder your secret's safe with me." -random 2

"It's been a rough week. I hit a deer a couple days ago, and I just found out I threw away a coworker's hat that turned out to be a family heirloom. " -Justin Ross

"I can't get in a boat like that, man. I'd need to be a walrus. I'd need to use my tusks." -Luke Knisley

"Ask how you can donate $1 to Easter seals." -sign on bar bathroom door

"Lesbians became even more worthless to me last night. And I didn't think that was possible." -Dan Riordan

"I used to live with these Greek kids, and they would fight like crazy over who got to have the eyeballs." -Jules Tomko

"This truck driver came up to us later laughing and said, 'I'm not so interested in how she got stuck, but how did you end up getting your daughter out of the elevator?'" -Denise Shoop

"Guy hasn't talked to me since I was the best man at his wedding. Cocksucker." -David Brand

"You never know. George Bush could have his little manipulating fingers up some Keebler Elf's butthole." -Randy Kirkendall

"Stick your nose right here and tell me I don't smell like a man." -Patrick Riordan
*A boast? Pick-up line? Dog ventriloquist?

"I'm having this drunken conversation with a regular, and he asks, 'what's been your most stable thing in life? Family? Friends? Religion?' And I'm like, 'no, Simpsons.'" - Jason, bartender of one amazing beer haven

"She needs to take her personality and inject it into that hot girl's ass." -Brian Cole

"That was my brother's first day working here and he got tear-gassed five times." -Random Visitors Center employee

"You know that guy with the mohawk on the rickshaw? We rode around with him last night and my friend fell off and cracked her head open on the street. Her bathroom looked like a crime scene." -Random waitress
*She then asked if we needed ketchup.

Reverse Chin Capes

"It was a long night of strong drinks, hilarious sharting, and crazy golf cart rides." -Kallie Kirkendall

"I put my dog on steroids this week." -random New Yorker
"You devil." -another random NYCer
"It's only for his coat." -random New Yorker

"Dimitry and Mexican Hat Guy - that's all they knew what to call these guys." -Stacey Havel

"So this kid stole his dad's business, and here's what he would do: He would buy towels and stuff from India and then sell them to, like, a Marriott. The deal was, he would say, 'I know you can get these cheaper somewhere else, but buy them from me and I'll buy you a car.' He actually paid for this kid's surgery once." -Kip Havel

"You want a song about life? That's what they're all about." -Random dive bar guitar player

"Just think of how many more people would have believed in him if Jesus would have worn a cape." -Dan Riordan

"That place has everything. I'm sure if you asked for a unicorn urine reduction sauce that they would have no problem giving it to you." -Mark Touissant

"So I wake up, and my sleep paralysis won't let me move. What's even worse is that when I finally can get out of bed, I have this hallucination where I know there is a zombie on the other side of my door that will kill me when I open it." -James Modder

"I usually close off the bedroom during the day so he doesn't puke on my pillows." -Jim Shearer

"I mean, how can you not party with a fifteen foot blow-up gorilla?" -Mike Getty

"She smelled like a used donkey, but, man, she had some amazing cans on her." -random Cubs bleacher bum

"I saw penguins. I saw seals. I saw seals eating penguins. There were whales from about here to that windshield wiper. You just don't get that anywhere else." -random

"Oh my god, I'm leaking all over the place. I need my child to get here now." -Michelle Breger

"She was telling me how she ran through Siberia and how she got chased by wolves and gypsies. This woman is amazing." -Melissa Rone

"Who would believe it? I'm throwing cups of gasoline on this Christmas tree and it still won't burn." -random

The Time Is Right For Fighting in the Street........Boy

"I walked into his office with a gunshot wound in my ass. The room kinda fell silent when I stumbled in there, but everyone got up to offer me a seat. When I finally got in to see him, the damn guy laughed at my x-ray." -Joe Prout

"She was a fairly attractive woman. She just didn't have any teeth though, which most people would like a lady to have a few of those." -Rocky Clemens

"Overall, a lot of people puked, including my bride. A couple tuxes were used as bathing suits at the hotel pool. Someone passed out on the can and it wasn't me for once. Dave was violated by a fat, black woman, and a hotel television was pissed on." -Corey Wagoner

"I woke up one morning in the sand. I guess I had passed out and they buried me in the stuff to keep me warm. My kids were a little pissed off, because I ended up missing Easter." -Steve Kimmerling

"It's either a brother/sister relationship, or it's a husband and wife thing." -Vaso Mikic

"We used to go out drinking and then have our friend pick us up from the bar. Then we'd end up plowing snow off the roads the rest of the night. It was way too much fun." -Abby Hardy

"If you go anywhere in the world and tell someone you're an American, they'll assume you have money, and they'll like you for that one reason. It's kinda crazy." -Will Cabral

"Our quality of life is subsidized by third world countries." -Jim Shearer

"That's what we can do on vacation: Slap our butts on some hamburger patties." -Liz Owens

"I'd rather somebody see my bare ass than get caught smoking pot. That'd be embarrassing, man." -Tyler Owens
*I hate when people see my bear ass.

"When you're forty and you want some hot amputee sex, don't come crying to old Landis." -John Landis

"Kirkendall, you're a marked man now. The shebeasts will pick up your now tamed marriage musk. Sporty, you'll be hiding atop his frame in a cougar hunting tree stand. When the moment is right Collins will blow his skank horn and you'll pounce. I will observe at a safe distance purely for redneck dubbed narration." -Brain Cole

"Is that guy riding a motorized beer cooler?" -Joe Collins
"I believe he is." -me
"This place is magical." -Joe Collins

"I'll have to rummage through my old jewelry boxes to see if I can find my last hit. See if I can find my last dregs of blotter acid." -Linda Kirkendall

"Have you ever been tubgirled?" -TJ Prayner
"Does it hurt?" -Alison Olcott
*It never gets old.

"If I had man-boobs I'd feel myself up every day." -Jim Shearer

Magical Squirrels, Blue Man Boogers, And A Get Out of Jail Free Card

"But we couldn't even yell 'poo dollar' at her because we were rolling on the ground laughing too hard." -Mike Nucci

"Chicken Day's coming up." -Mike Nucci
"And what's chicken day consist of?" -TJ Prayner
"What do you think? We buy a chicken, get him drunk, throw a cape on him, and let him walk around in the city." -Mike Nucci

"We were gonna put the pig's head in her passenger seat, but nobody wanted to get caught." -TJ Prayner

"Earlier today I told Sands that balloons floated because there were little magic squirrels inside them with wings. It doesn't take much." -Lucas Schroeder

"I bet that guy wakes up sometimes thinking a leprechaun shat on the end of his tongue." -Louie Vogt

"Life's a bitch. Alleviate the distance." -Phil DeStephano

"I'm going to run and clean my biohazard suit now so I can enter into the atmosphere without disrupting the flow of the universe." -Stacey Havel

"Little kids always like to play doctor, and I think there's some sexual feelings involved. It's not so much a 'here, I want to make you feel better' type of game. There's a 'you touched me there and it feels funny' type thing going on." -Savanna Kimmerling

"Any game you can drink during I'm pretty good at: bowling, cornhole, darts. Life." -Dan Riordan

"The floors in there are uneven, and this guy - he weighs probably more than 300 pounds - he starts jumping on the floor in certain areas. I say, 'guys, what the hell you thinking? You're not fixing anything.'" -Georgio Logorio

"Dude, I had so much blue snot coming out of my nose yesterday." -David Samo
"That's because you left the air conditioner on." -Jim Shearer

"This guy was insane. He was so funny. He kept telling me, 'man, if I was rich I'd buy a lion, and I'd grab that thing by the ears, look it in the eye, and I'd say 'look at me you motherfucker, eat your food.''"- Joe Collins

"I think I was dancing on a table playing air guitar uncontrollably. It was pretty ugly, believe me." -Jim Shearer

"In New Orleans, if you get caught peeing in public you have two options: You can go to jail, which a Nola jail is the absolute last place you want to be, or you can mop your mess up with your shirt and put it back on- something I'm completely fine with." -Thom Britton

"Come on. It'll be fun. I can tell all my friends I'm a gay, Christian writer, and you can tell yours you're a sword-swallowing, fire-eating circus freak." -Thom Britton

"You can still run around naked if you want. We're not gonna stop you." -Robin Watson

"If the Swamp Angels are anything like their poster suggests it's going to be one freakishly awesome night." -Dave Grossnickle

To Mustache Or Not To Mustache

"You shouldn't have asked me to marry you. You should have asked me to join the circus." -Liz Owens

"It's not like I'm a guy. I'm not going to drop my pants right outside the Wiener Circle and take a leak." -Katie Irizarry

"So do they drug test?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Oh yea? I mean, no. I don't think they do." -me
"It's not like I'm.......Did I ever tell you my parents were Hindus?" -Brittany-Ann Casper
"Hindus?" -me
"No. Wait. They're Buddhists. My parents are Buddhists. I always get them confused." -Brittany-Ann Casper

"Scarface likes the butt. He's crazy." -random lady downtown petting our dog

"I may not be a good husband, but I have a keen business sense, and that's no way to treat your employees." -Lucas Schroeder

"That operation requires quite a bit of girth, right?" -Phil Destephano
"That's what she said." -Dave Grossnickle
Ok. Once and only once. Never again on this list.

"What I'm thinking is - just take a can of silly string and shoot every girl you see in the face. Anyone that takes a swing at you is a candidate." -Jim Shearer

"The one is really good looking until she talks, and then you're like, 'Whoa, is this chick gonna pull her thing out and start pissing everywhere to show how much of a man she is?'" -Liz Owens

"We used to have an imaginary girl named Molly on our team for a darts league." -random guy

"That's ok. Once, instead of plugging mine into the wall, I threw it in the dryer on the gentle cycle. It lit up like a disco ball." -Lauren Kirkendall

"Some customer complained about hair in their food, so next thing you know he has it shaved down to a mustache." -Dave Grossnickle

"I was reading through this Harvard Medical Update. I just flip through the synopsis for a while, but anyway, what's funny is that I got my new Playboy the very same day, and inside it I read..." -Joe Schroeder
Insert whatever you'd like afterwards. It's all funny.

"This is the ultimate Mexican standoff if I ever saw one. This guy has a cup full of piss in his hands, and I don't think any of us are breaking line for him." -Jim Shearer

"[That's] my boy. You take that bottle down like a man and learn to live with that numb feeling in [your] gums. Learn to live in the [fucking] trees if you have to in order to survive. That's what it's all about, my friend. Don't make me throw you out this roof. You're my man, you [fucking king] among boys." - David Frasier
Happy race day. I think he liked me as a drinking buddy.

"Patrick Swayze, of all people, put it best about what he doesn't like about religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Was it, 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner?'" -Linda Kirkendall
"Nope, it was 'When religion becomes an organization it becomes more about the organization than the religion." -Randy Kirkendall
"Oh. I still like mine." -Linda Kirkendall

"By the end of the night I'm playing bass on stage in the fetal position. They ended up pulling the plug on us, which was probably a good idea." -Patrick Riordan

"So we don't even know these guys, but they end up shaving off his eyebrows while he's sleeping, shaving off his mustache, and shaving creaming his whole face. Man, it was crazy." -Mono Wilborn

Butch Bikers, Mormons, Green Pizza. Oh My.

"I would say I've been farting fire, but fire doesn't have bits of solid now does it?" -Brian Cole
First line is a poop quip. Unbelievable.

"I'd be pretty pathetic without a prosthetic." -Jason Kotynski

"We found ourselves in a nest of motorcycle-clad lesbians, and all I could think of was, 'these people are going to be our neighbors. How much fun is this?'" -Randy Kirkendall

"You know the area where people get shot and killed every day? That's where I work." -Aleksandra Spevacek

"Thank God I'm not a woman. I'd always be pregnant." -a puppet controlled by a male actor dressed like a woman

"Bad things always happen when you shave your toes." -Lauren Kirkendall

"I need to become friends with more tent people." -Scott Woods

"Your mom in that Halloween picture looks like a kid off the streets." -Liz Owens

"I got bailed out when I found two Mormons hanging out inside the laundrymat down the street." -Annie Stuart

"It's like she was making her own fly-paper counter surface." -Jim Shearer

"That's what we do. We get back in the city, we open our suitcases, raise them above our heads, and shake the contents all over our room. Makes it feel like home again." -Tom Coburn

"I was looking at her trying to figure out what was wrong with her, and she's still, after all this time, completely naked in front of me." -Rachel Andrade

"Saw the Blade last night. Told him she had the fakie boobies. He was pumped. He seriously looked like a kid in a candy store." -Dan Riordan

"That's great. Let me row-sham-boe you in the clam." -TJ Prayner

"The worst I heard was some chick got raped with a curling iron." -Brian Cole
"That's burnt bacon and burnt hair all at once." -Jim Shearer

"Somebody shaved the Incredible Hulk's pubes and put them on that pizza." -Brian Cole

"I'm set. This summer I'm getting drunk at the Downtown and walking to my grandparents' house." -Tyler Owens

"Not many people can say they drunk-drove an elephant. You're a good man." -Jen Wright

"He's a hairy guy to say the least. And so when I wake up he has all these melted Milk Duds stuck in his chest and back." -Karol Clemens

"Some day he's gonna burp, and some day you're gonna see an Adidas coming out of his mouth because my foot will be that far up there." -Perry Waggoner

"I have dad's eyebrows in my food." -Kallie Kirkendall

"Unless he cut off her head, because that's what a lot of guys like that do." -Phyllis Kirkendall